nastyboy | victory

Felix wanted to just put that strange conversation out of his mind and focus on other things, but it keeps nagging at him. Finally, he can’t take it anymore, and he sets out to find Dimitri.

When he finds him, wherever he happens to be and whatever he happens to be doing, he marches up and says, “Mitya. You don’t look too busy to talk.”

Dimitri is actually somewhat busy, as he's looking over the images that have been sent to him from the people he has helping set up the area for their new home - or, well, homes, as it's come to be after some discussion. The large Bravieries made some delays, since no one wants to work with such terrors in the skies, but things seem to be better, now. Everything is still in the preparations stage, and Dimitri knows that, eventually, he'll want to go over there himself to help out.

It's something so important for them... He has to help out with it, in more than a financial way.

But then Felix is stomping up to him, and Dimitri blinks, putting down his Gear. Everything else can wait. It can't be something urgent, or Felix's demeanor would be a lot different, so.... "What would you like to talk about, Lushka?" It's not often Felix is in the mood for casual conversation.

"It's Grant." Felix folds his arms, glancing elsewhere, but he doesn't look or sound angry. "He started asking me questions about...how I felt about all these relationship changes, and then he said he wanted me to be happy, and looked like he was about to start bawling."

He frowns, a self-conscious frown. "And then he said he...had feelings for me. And then he jumped up and ran off."

Hearing Grant's name off of Felix's lips draws all of Dimitri's attention, and he straightens up with a slight frown. He always thought... Well, their personalities did not naturally lead to them becoming fast and easy friends, no, but he had thought they had become decent companions in the year or so that they'd all arrived in Johto. Liked one another, even, although a part of him feels nervous about actually verbalizing such words as though he might jinx it.

If something happened with Grant that even Felix felt needed bringing up... Is everything all right between the two of them?

The only way he'll get an answer is if he listens, and what he hears is enough to make Dimitri pause and stare. Grant... confessing to Felix?

Dimitri always entertained the idea of his boyfriends loving one another, if only because he loves so much about each of them and he would love it if others saw it as well. But he rarely expects it to properly happen.

Yet... That is only on one end. The way that Felix is looking away, frowning, arms crossed...

Dimitri knows he has to speak carefully, here. Still - "And here you doubted me when I said that you were popular in school," he says, a clumsy attempt at lightening the atmosphere, before he shifts to the side a bit. "Here - sit besides me. Maybe... Grant was embarrassed?"

Felix rolls his eyes with a light scoff. "Please. One person's...interest doesn't make me 'popular,' nor would I want to be."

He sits down. "I don't know. He started stammering and then he said he didn't want to 'trap' me into talking about it. Then he told me to enjoy my chicken, and left."

It was in fact quite a few people's interests, about that sharp eyed and slick and talented swordsman with the major Crest, but Dimitri decides not to bring any of that up. It's irrelevant to the point, in all honestly. Instead, Dimitri just nudges his Gear away, and gives Felix all of his attention.

The situation that Felix describes sounds like quite the... awkward one, to say the least. Dimitri would say it doesn't sound like Grant at all, in fact, except... He can recall that day in the caves, the tunnels, when Grant first ended up breaching feelings with him.

He hadn't even been expecting Dimtiri to accept his feelings, either, or think them worthy of anything.

Dimitri wonders if that is better or worse compared to what Felix has gone through.

"Did you want him to stay, to talk about it?" Dimitri asks. Normally, when it comes to Felix and feelings, well, the answer to that question seems obvious. Yet Felix wouldn't be here if anything about the situation was obvious.

In Felix's opinion, anyone who was interested in him then was really only interested in his Crest and family name. None of them knew him. That didn't count as 'popularity,' just the default experience of the heir to a powerful noble house. It had nothing to do with who he was as a person, so it didn't matter.

"Not particularly," Felix says, unwittingly confirming what Dimitri thought was obvious. "But what am I supposed to do with...this? Why did he bring it up in the first place if he didn't want me to respond?"

"Perhaps he didn't want you to feel... burdened by it," Dimitri says, clearly struggling with the right answer. "Of course, I can only guess at his reasonings. I would have to ask him for a true answer." And, well... "I do not suppose you want me to ask? Although I will, if you wish it."

But he's pretty sure Felix absolutely does not wish it. Dimitri thinks carefully on the answer, however. While he would be happy if Felix and Grant decided to pursue a relationship with one another... He doesn't wish to ruin things, here. Doesn't want to misspeak, like he did with Sylvain in a way that bothered Felix so much.

So he considers everything, and finds there's really only one question to ask. "What do you want to do, Felix?"

"Ugh, no." That's the last thing Felix needs, Dimitri trying to play messenger and inevitably saying something weird that gives Grant some kind of wrong impression.

Then Dimitri asks him the obvious question, and he rolls his eyes. "I don't know! If I knew that, I'd have done it already. This has never happened before."

Dimitri wonders if this has really never happened before, or if Felix has merely cut people off in some shape or way before they had a chance to give their confessions along with their white rose garland or anything else. Well, it doesn't matter either way, he supposes. What matters is that Felix has never really gotten to this point... and Dimitri has to admit that no one would probably confess in the way that Grant did.

"Then... What do you think of going on a date with him?" Dimitri asks. That is one of the first things one would attempt to do when confessed to. That seems to be especially true here in Johto, where formal courtship and arranged marriages do not seem to be particularly prevalent.

Honestly, the latter is likely, but if he did cut people off before they reached the confession part, he didn't know it was coming anyway.

Felix rubs his face with one hand. "How is that any different than sitting down to a meal with him normally? I don't understand how the rest of you do this. Just...decide one day that you're in a relationship with someone you don't already...feel things for, and then wait to see if you will or not." The whole idea still feels ludicrous to him, despite several of the others having explained it.

"Well, part of the romance is already there, if we like them and want to be around them regularly," Dimitri tries to explain, although he knows that they've discussed this with Felix. It's just... hard, he knows. It isn't as though he is any better at explaining how everything works.

If only there was a way to maybe have Felix understand...

...Oh, wait, he knows the answer to this question.

"Think of it this way," he suggests. "Even if you can appreciate every sword in the world, actually using that sword in battle, or making it your preferred sword to use when fighting, is something entirely different. Even if someone can admire the magic inherent to a Levin Sword, wielding it may not be something that they take easily to... But they won't know that until they use the sword to some degree, even in practice. Dating someone you like, but may not have explicit romantic feelings for yet, is somewhat like that: practicing with the sword before you commit to it."

Does that sound good? He really wants to think that it sounds good.

"Of course, some decide not to try out the sword even without practice, which is fair," he remembers to add. He doesn't want Felix to feel pressured. "Perhaps because they know their fighting style would not go well with, say, a particularly larger sword, or because they already have too many swords."

...

"Did any of that make the slightest bit of sense?"

"So what you're calling a 'relationship' with Zuke is simply...practice?" That sounds bizarre to Felix - how do you practice having feelings??

"It makes sense, but it isn't the same. A levin sword isn't going to cry if I choose not to wield it, and practicing with it doesn't require..." He fishes for words. "Trying to be closer to someone, or feel a certain way about them."

Being emotionally vulnerable is what he means, but he doesn't have the vocabulary for that.

"It is us trying one another out, like you would with a sword, to see if we match," Dimitri tries again. "So... I suppose so. Sometimes you can only tell if you would be good with something if you try it." And it is them... trying it.

Still, Dimitri has to acknowledge that it isn't completely the same, and he nods. Although... "I like to think that Grant would not cry in front of you, if that is any consolation." Dimitri is pretty sure if Grant did any crying, it would be far away from Felix. "Still... You know, it is..."

Ugh. He feels a little bit bad about saying this, but... "It is all right, if someone cries when you say no, Felix." Ugh, time to clarify. "Someone can feel sad at the result of something, but still not blame you for it. And that is... all right. How you and Grant would handle that would have to be... something you decide on."

He hopes that made sense, really, and Dimitri glances back to the work he was focused on before this, without really seeing it. "...Do you think it would be a bad thing, to grow closer to Grant? I ask not to pressure you, but... to help you decide on what you want to do."

The phrase trying one another out leaves a bad taste in Felix's mouth. He can't put his finger on exactly why, at first, but the more Dimitri talks, the more it dawns on him that it feels...too much like what Sylvain used to do. He knows, logically, that that's not what Dimitri and the others are doing, but...he can't shake the feeling.

"People aren't swords!" He doesn't mean to sound as frustrated as he does, but he doesn't take it back, either. "I can't just...try people out. I can't practice caring about someone. I...ugh. I understand what you're trying to say, Mitya, but I don't..." He sighs and rubs his face. "I don't think I'm capable of that."

At this talk of Grant crying, Felix shakes his head. "That's not the point. The point is, swords don't have emotions, but people do." ~~A surprising opinion for Felix to have? Maybe.~~

Felix huffs quietly, annoyed not with Dimitri or the question, but just the fact that he's having so much trouble figuring this out to begin with. It should be easy.

"I don't. But..." He's struggling to articulate his thoughts again. "Talking to him doesn't feel like talking to you, or Sylvain, or Claude. Or even Korra. It feels like...like talking to Seteth."

...oh.

Ah - Dimitri is already shaking his head when Felix snaps a bit, and it's a relief when the other... eases back, a bit, even if he's still frustrated. "I know, I didn't mean to say that," he says, trying to be quiet, soothing. "But it is the thing you know best... So I thought some comparison would make it easier to understand."

But it seems that the differences in that comparison are too great to be metaphor'd away, judging by what Felix says after, and Dimitri leans against him just slightly. Some physical contact in place of words, to let him know things are fine.

When Felix manages to nail down the issue... Dimitri makes a small nod. From his own memories, he isn't entirely sure of how the things between Felix and Seteth have really changed. He distantly recalls them getting along decently, during their days in school, but how that improved or become stronger during the war... That's harder to say. Dimitri so often kept to himself, after all, during those dark days.

Still, clearly it meant a lot to Felix, and that's all he needs to know. "You could tell Grant that, then," he offers. "Perhaps not exactly - Grant has never met Seteth, after all, or seen you interact with him, so the idea would not be clear. But I think if you simply told him that you value your relationship with him as it is currently, that you appreciate it and how you can talk to him, and so see no reason or desire to change it... That might be good.

"And I think... Grant would appreciate that as well. You being clear and detailed about how your feelings, I mean, even if they feel hard to explain right now. It might have to be something of a conversation-" A feelings conversation, even, the worst for Felix. "-but I think it might not necessarily have to feel... so difficult."

Dimitri pauses, fingers smoothing out against the table. "That is, if you want to refuse him. Which it sounds as though you might want to?"

The physical contact does help, and it prompts Felix to reach over and take Dimitri's hand. "Yes. I suppose I'll...I don't know. Invite him to tea, perhaps. It always seems to work for the professor." Then he snorts, wry. "Although I'll prepare myself in case he tells me to enjoy my tea and scampers off again."

Ah. Dimitri goes still for a moment, which isn't particularly unusual. Old habits are hard to break, especially where they concern accidentally shattering someone's bones. But soon enough, he eases into Felix's grip, and shifts his hand to hold Felix's own better.

"Tea is always good," Dimitri says encouragingly. "It gives you something to drink, or do with your hands." And having a plausible excuse for not responding to someone right away is practically ingrained into noble etiquette. Dimitri feels that Felix might benefit from that kind of shield as well, in the absence of a physical one. "Although I do not think he will run... Not if you invite him, and are interested in speaking with him. I think he just... was fumbling. Even Grant is human, after all."

Well.... Dimitri thinks they have it, here. "You know, if you want someone to help you prepare for it... You need only mention it to me, and I will do my best, whether it is with words or even simply moving things around for tea."

A pause. Dimitri does not want to make it all about himself, but... He wants to say it, now, before he or Felix forgets it.

"...And Felix? Thank you?"

Tea also gives Felix an excuse not to make eye contact with people, not that he ever really needs one.

"Heh. He's hardly the only one of us who has avoided conversation in such a way." Felix himself has certainly done it. Not to mention that Sylvain ran all the way into the woods, once.

"Hmph. I don't need help to prepare for a simple tea invitation."

At the thanks, Felix turns to blink at Dimitri, bewildered. "What are you thanking me for? You're the one who sat through all my griping."

Well, if Felix is certain, then. Dimitri will do his best to not push his views or ideas onto him, if that's the case. Besides, they've... sort of moved on to something entirely different.

Dimitri tilts his head slightly, embarrassed. "Well, yes, but... I did not think you would... come to me for something like that."

Something... emotional, and difficult for Felix to solve.

"I know that I have changed very much, in your memories, but for me, the most recent memories of how we are in Fodlan was..." Well, Felix knows. "And even before then, when we were students in school, you did not care to listen to me. And here..." Well, Felix prefers Claude for such matters, from what Dimitri has been able to see.

Has it ever really been him as a first choice, in Johto and Kanto...?

Ah. Felix knows what he means. For a long time, he didn't feel comfortable bringing such things to Dimitri. Even after they'd become more than friends, it always seemed like there was still a bit of space between them. Felix isn't sure why; maybe it was just the immense weight of their complicated history and all of the conflicting things he's felt about Dimitri over the years. Or maybe it was the fact that since the very beginning here in this world, Dimitri has been willing to give his heart to so many people, and if he can love so many - even those he's only known for such a short time - then how can Felix mean as much to him as he means to Felix? How can what they have now possibly be as...special, as intimate, as what they had before their world fell apart years ago?

But then they talked late at night in Dimitri's room about things that had remained unspoken between them for so long. Felix cried in front of Dimitri for the first time in a decade. And then...then Dimitri allowed him to be his first in bed, and despite the...uh...unexpected turn that took - or maybe because of it? - it feels like something has changed. He feels...more comfortable with Dimitri now than he has in a very long time.

It is true that he wasn't Dimitri's choice to be his first, because Dimitri didn't make one, and sometimes that thought still nags at him - particularly since he has a feeling that if it had been an option at the time, the king would have chosen Dedue instead, or Byleth. They...well, they helped Dimitri come back to himself; Felix was far from helpful. They're closer to Dimitri than Felix thought he could ever be again. While he was trying his damndest to move on, those two were right there by Dimitri's side.

But Dimitri promised he would never replace Felix. And Felix chose to trust him. He won't take that back, and those thoughts don't diminish the closeness that's returned to them - from Felix's perspective, at least.

"...I know. But things are different now. Don't you feel it?"

Does he feel it? Dimitri smiles, ever so slightly but with a soft deep feeling. "I do," he says quietly. "Sometimes I doubt myself - that I could change, that things could change for the better. Not because of you, or the others, but simply because the world seems far too dark and heavy."

Not often, not anymore. Perhaps not in the last few months, he thinks, maybe, although it comes back at him in waves. Sometimes intense, but, more often, varying levels of something lesser. Like the gentle lapping of a tide against his ankles, or tugging at his legs.

But... "You make me feel different, Felix." Taking their joined hands, Dimitri raises them up, until he can press Felix's knuckles to his cheek.

"So thank you, Lushka."

"Well...I'm glad." Dimitri's words and that little gesture bring a faint flush to Felix's cheeks. He brings his free hand up to brush a stray strand of hair out of Dimitri's eye. "But don't think this means you can expect me to start blubbering about my problems all the time. Not to you or to anyone."

And honestly...he doesn't really have that many problems to blubber about, right now. It's sort of a wild thing to realize, but things are...good. Better than good. Nothing is ever perfect, of course, but ever since his birthday, Felix has felt...stable. It's a freeing sort of feeling. Still unfamiliar and new, but far from unpleasant.

Ha. Dimitri smiles as well, leaning into Felix's touch. Sometimes, even though he knows it isn't, not really, it still feels like a rare treat to have Felix touch him so gently like this.

"I will be more than happy to take even some of the time," he says sincerely, turning his face into Felix's hand. "Because... that means things are changing. And... I am happy for it."

Is it right to be this happy? He feels it mustn't be, not for him. But... It is a small burning ember in his chest regardless.

"Hmph. I'd think you would rather I didn't have any problems to whine to you about." Felix is smiling a bit, though, as he lets Dimitri keep his hand for now.

It's a thought Felix has had, too, in a way - not that it might not be right to be this happy, but that it can't last. He tries to take things one day at a time and live in the moment, like Felicity and Lysithea both advised, but it's difficult. Some days he feels that he must cling as hard as he can to what he has before it's gone again. And some days, he can't bear to be with them knowing he can't keep them.

With Dimitri, though, in quiet moments like this, it can feel as though nothing has ever changed - that they have always been together like this, ever since they were children, and none of the horrors and tragedy in between ever happened.

"I'm not changing. I'm still me. But I am...learning. Improving. I don't want to change who I am; I want to train to become a better me. It's what you've done, too."

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nastyboy - 2022-04-08 22:35 (UTC) - Expand

victory_road Inbox

a few days after The Grant Incident

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